


The Return of The Winter Soldier

by ms_believer05



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awesome Shuri (Marvel), Awesome T'Challa (Marvel), Black Panther Shuri (Marvel), Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes & Shuri Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Genius Shuri (Marvel), Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hydra (Marvel), Parent T'Challa (Marvel), Protective T'Challa (Marvel), Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29697102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_believer05/pseuds/ms_believer05
Summary: After a mission with Sam, Bucky is caught off guard and is turned back into the Winter Soldier.His new mission?Kill Sam Wilson.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Shuri, Shuri & Sam Wilson, Shuri & T'Challa (Marvel), T'Challa & Sam Wilson (Marvel)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	1. Ready to Comply

“Hey, Sam! There’s another one behind you!” Bucky slammed his fist into another hydra agent’s face while yelling to Sam, the adrenaline of the fight flowing through his body. 

They were on another mission in the middle of the woods. They had gotten a call that some hydra agents got bold and resurfaced, and they were called to take them out. Sam spun around and knocked out another agent. 

“Got 'em!” Sam yelled enthusiastically with a smile on his face. Sam and Bucky were the perfect team. Sam got a thrill from the fight, had skills and contacts from his Air Force days, while Bucky had strategy and experience (unfortunately) from his Winter Soldier days. 

“Yo, Buck! There’s one getting away! I’ll be back!” Sam activated his metal Falcon wings and shot up into the air. 

Bucky knocked the last guy out and looked around his surroundings as Sam shrunk from his sight. 

These woods felt familiar to him, but he didn’t know why. There was something . . . eerie about being here. He couldn’t quite place it, so he started to walk around. Maybe if he saw something or stood in a certain place or heard a certain noise it would jog his memory. 

He looked around as he walked, keeping his ears and eyes open and alert. He soon could see a road and mentally set it as his destination. When his feet hit the pavement, he felt the memories flood back to his mind. 

He felt it. 

This was the place where he, the Winter Soldier, murdered Howard and Maria Stark. 

Bucky’s head started to hurt and ache. He tried so hard to replace those memories or better yet, completely erase them from his head. And now they all came flooding back overwhelmingly. He immediately regretted straying from the bulk of the woods.

“No . . . NO.” Bucky couldn’t take the pain. He stumbled off the road and tried to shake the memories from his head, but they weren’t easily shaken, he quickly learned that from the previous years. Suddenly he heard something in the woods. He spun around, trying to get his mind to focus right, a task that was earlier said than done. He tried to locate the source of the sound, but he wasn’t even sure what he heard. His brain wasn't focused on it at the time. 

There it was. Some leaves crunching. 

_ Someone else was here _ . 

Bucky spun around and saw a hydra agent about ten feet away pointing a gun at him. The man had short sandy blonde hair and greenish eyes from what Bucky could see. He was a bit of a stocker dude but he stood tall with confidence. 

“Ah, the famous Winter Soldier.” The agent sneered, those green eyes looking him up and down.

Bucky shook his head in disgust at the mention of the name. “That’s not me anymore.” 

“Aha, we’ll see about that.” The agent smirked and narrowed his eyes.

“Longing,” The agent began to recite the words that Bucky never wanted to hear again in his life. 

“No.” Bucky whispered.  _ Not again, this isn’t going to happen again. _

“Rusted,”

__ Bucky knew he had been recovering well with Sam by his side but that doesn’t make the fear go away completely. Those words haunt him and he dreads the day that someone uses them again. Some nights it keeps him up, because all he hears are those  _ stupid words.  _

“Seventeen,” 

He had already been disoriented and in pain just by being here, in this spot that he tried so hard to forget. Now, this is the perfect cherry on top. 

“Daybreak,” 

“No! Stop!” Bucky started to run towards the agent, but he threw something near Bucky and it exploded in a cloud of smoke, causing him to stop in his tracks.  _ Smoke bomb.  _ His mind started to fog over, both from the smoke surrounding him and the words from the agent. 

“Furnace,” 

“No! Stop! I won’t- I can’t- NO!” Bucky’s head was throbbing and his lungs felt like they stopped taking in air. It was hard to think and breathe and he couldn’t make sense of the situation anymore. He fell to his knees in despair. He felt so helpless, and he  _ hated  _ it. 

“Nine,” 

Bucky was losing himself more and more with every word. He couldn’t let this happen. He couldn’t let himself  _ hurt  _ anyone else. 

“Benign,” 

Bucky was trying so hard to hang on to himself, to hang on to the little sliver of hope that maybe he could  _ break  _ this cycle finally. 

“Homecoming,” 

But it hurt too much, he couldn’t take the pain. That small sliver of hope quickly slipped away and left him alone again. His head  _ throbbed,  _ he was losing his perception. But this is also what Hydra wanted, they made it painful so he couldn’t fight back, so he wouldn’t want to. That was their way around it, so he would give it to the pain and he could be their weapon. 

“One,”

Bucky’s mind snapped. He had lost this fight. He felt the Winter Soldier breakthrough and he was shoved to the back of his own mind, in the back shadowy corner he knew all too well. 

“Freight car,” The agent walked into the cloud of smoke and into the Winter Soldier’s view. He had a big smirk on his face, as he knew he finished the vows and they had worked to his delight. His voice rang out cold and harsh. 

“Are you ready to comply, soldier?” 

“Ready to comply.” 


	2. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets his new mission as The Winter Soldier

Sam was flying back to the woods where he had last seen Bucky. He had beaten the hydra agent who had gotten away and was now landing in the spot where they had first encountered the Hydra agents. 

“Barnes?” Sam saw no sign of Bucky around the area. He took a couple of steps forward, then heard a  _ click _ behind him. Sam spun around and came face to face with the barrel of a pistol. He shot his hands in the air and focused on the figure behind the gun. Blonde hair, green eyes, stocky, but stood with a certain kind of confidence that Sam only saw in a couple of people throughout his life. 

“Looking for someone, Wilson?” The figure smiled wickedly, his emerald eyes glistening. 

“Alright, who are you?” Sam asked, already preparing to beat the crap out of this guy when the time was right. “And what do you want?” 

“Oh, you don’t know? Perhaps you should’ve asked your friend Riley before I shot him out of the sky.” The agent hissed with an evil grin.

Sam’s eyes widened with fear, and an old familiar feeling of despair struck him. 

“That . . That was you?” Sam just barely choked out the words as the night of Riley’s death replayed in his head, like it had a million times before, something that haunted him even years later. 

Riley was reckless, sure, and he made mistakes but everyone did. He didn’t deserve to be shot out of the sky on a nightly patrol, just as he was getting his life back on track. Growing up, Riley didn’t have many good people around him and that led him to poor decision-making throughout his life, until he joined the Air Force and met Sam. Sam had met Riley the first day of basic training and they had been side by side ever since. Well, until that horrid, dark day. The possibility that Sam could have done something,  _ anything,  _ to save him haunted him every night for the past few years. It would keep him up at night, and he wouldn’t sleep because when he closed his eyes, the images and screams of Riley  _ dying  _ filled his head, and they wouldn't get easily shaken out.

“Of course,” The agent responded as if the answer was obvious, that wicked grin never wavering from his face. “I was assigned by Hydra to take out and end the Falcon project, and now I’m just here to finish my job.” The agent cocked the gun, but before he could pull the trigger, Sam threw a punch and knocked the pistol out of his hand. It landed a couple of feet away in a pile of leaves. Before the agent could react, Sam had his hand on his throat and backed him into a tree, pinning him there while he gasped for air. 

“Don’t you . . wanna hear . . Why?” The agent mustered out as his face was turning red. Sam glared darts down at the agent. 

“I’ve already heard enough,” Sam’s grip on the agent’s neck tightened, and his eyes narrowed. “Every night, I go to bed, and I hear Riley screaming as I watch him fall, with nothing I can do. Every night I face the consequences of what  _ you  _ did. And now you’ll face the consequences of what I’m  _ going to  _ do.” 

The agent looked amused and his eyes darted up to meet Sam’s. “Oh?” His voice was just a harsh and raspy whisper by now. “And what . . Is that?” 

“I’m gonna kill you,” Now it was Sam’s turn to answer as if it was obvious. The agent’s eyes widened, and he tried to struggle away, but Sam was too strong for him to get away from. 

Sam’s grip on the agent’s neck tightened, and his lips started to look blue. Sam could feel the agent try to scream in pain under his grasp, but it just turned into a voiceless gasp. He could just barely hear the “Hail Hydra”, that the agent murmured. Sam held him there until the agent’s eyes drooped closed, and his face lost all signs of life. 

When Sam was satisfied, he loosened his grip and let the body hit the ground. He took a few steps over to where the pistol lay and picked it up, looking it over. 

“Hm, nice gun. Definitely Hydra made.” Sam pointed it at the agent and pulled the trigger. A  _ bang  _ filled the forest. Sam switched hands and shot it a couple more times. The  _ bang bang bang  _ rang out in the forest each time.

“Shoots pretty decently, at least. Not bad, for Hydra anyway.” He pocketed the gun and glanced around the quiet woods. 

Now he had to find Bucky. 

  
  


~¥~

Bucky’s eyes fluttered open, and the trees above him came into focus. He was lying on his back in the middle of the woods, on top of some leaves. 

_ How did I get here?  _

His mind was foggy, and his memories were blurry. He had no control over himself; the Winter Soldier did. He slowly sat up, his head pounding. He looked around and realized these were not the same woods as before. 

Or at least he thought, he actually couldn’t quite remember. At least, they didn’t  _ look  _ like the woods from before. Did someone knock him out and bring him here? Did he just walk here himself and didn't remember? These both felt like very real possibilities, along with many others. 

He shook his head, trying to clear the fog but had no success. He felt himself stand up, and the Winter Soldier started walking. And that’s when Bucky saw a glimpse through the fog of his brain.

There was one thought in his mind, driving Bucky insane but being a motive for the Winter Soldier: 

  
  
  


_ Kill Sam Wilson.  _


	3. The Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam searches for Bucky

Sam was flying over the woods, searching for any motion trying to find Bucky. He wasn’t too high above the trees, but high enough that he could easily scan the ground if he saw movement. After a little over half an hour of flying over the woods, he decided maybe Bucky headed home, so he thought maybe he would find him there. 

The beautiful architecture of Wakanda came into view as Sam flew into the barrier. Sam and Bucky had been staying with T’Challa and Shuri in the palace since the Avengers Compound was in the middle of reconstruction after the battle with Thanos. He landed in the courtyard before the palace doors as Shuri came out to meet him. 

“Your majesty,” Sam grinned at her. 

“Back so soon?” Shuri asked curiously, eyeing his metal wings. She was always fond of the engineering behind Sam’s pack, and one day Sam even let her try it out for research purposes so maybe she could replicate it or make more advanced technology-based off of it. 

Sam nodded, letting his wings fold back up into his pack. “We finished up pretty quickly,” Sam smirked, “Those agents didn’t stand much of a chance anyway.” 

Shuri gave a chuckle and smiled. 

“Is your brother here?” Sam asked the girl. Shuri shook her head. “No, he’s out at some boring business meeting or something with my Mother. He’ll be back sometime tomorrow evening.” 

Sam nodded then Shuri gave him a questioning look. “Where is the White Wolf?” She cocked her head to the side, waiting for an answer. 

“Barnes? I thought he came back here,” Sam frowned and quickly glanced up at the palace that was towering majestically behind Shuri. Shuri shook her head. 

“He has not returned yet,” Shuri had a concerned look on her face. “Did something happen?” 

Sam shook his head and shifted his gaze to the ground.  _ I thought for sure he’d be here, where did he go? _

“We were fighting off the last of the agents when one of them was getting away, so I left Bucky and went after him,” Sam started to explain. “I also circled the area a bit but didn’t see Bucky again, so I was hoping he came back here.” 

“Maybe he took a wrong turn or something, I’m sure he’ll be back shortly,” Shuri said with a grin, trying to reassure him. Sam nodded in reply, then Shuri turned on her heel and entered the palace with Sam trailing behind. 

_ Yeah, he’ll be here soon, I’ll just wait a little bit.  _

~¥~

Bucky felt like he’d be walking for hours. His legs were sore, but he wouldn’t stop. 

He couldn’t.

Even if he wanted to, the Winter Soldier still had complete control over his body. 

No matter how hard Bucky tried, it seemed he couldn’t break through even a little bit. He’d be trying that for hours too, and it mentally drained and exhausted him to the point where many times, he thought about just giving up and letting the Winter Soldier take him over completely again.

_ But that’s exactly what Hydra wants, and I can’t hurt anyone else. I have to keep trying. _

Bucky knew it wouldn’t be much longer that he would have this much of his mental corner left. He could already feel it decaying; his corner getting smaller, his grip on reality slipping. It wouldn’t be long until the Winter Soldier completely took over his mind too. 

Bucky decided to focus on his surroundings for a bit to try and figure where they are and where they were going. The Winter Soldier seemed to be going somewhere . . . familiar. 

Bucky knew he knew these woods pretty well, but since his mind was on the fritz, he couldn’t quite place it at the moment. After a few more minutes of the Winter Soldier walking and Bucky observing, the realization hit him like a truck, and his heart sank.

They were headed right toward Wakanda. 

Right to Sam. 

  
  


~¥~

  
  


Sam and Shuri were hanging out in the lab awaiting any sign of Bucky’s return. They had been waiting for what felt like forever (but had only actually been a little over twenty-four hours) and Sam was starting to get worried. Deep down, Sam and Bucky both cared for each other though they don’t show it very openly. They weren’t the best of friends but they did get along sometimes and had quite a bond, deep and unbreakable. 

“He should’ve been back hours ago.” Sam started to pace the floor. He felt restless. He knew Bucky knew the way back to Wakanda, but that didn’t stop his growing concern. Sam also knew that Bucky could handle himself in just about any situation and could easily take care of any problems he could run into. But the fact that Bucky should’ve met Sam back here  _ hours ago  _ was giving him a bad feeling. 

Sam’s thoughts quickly went back to the hydra agent back in the woods, trying to figure out any clue he could use. Had he been there before he left Bucky? Did he have something to do with Bucky’s disappearance? Why did he want to kill Sam? 

“Hm, yes it has been quite a while.” Shuri’s voice pulled Sam out of his thoughts. Shuri glanced up at the clock on the wall in front of the desk she was working at. She was surrounded by various tools and knick-knacks working on another project. 

_ It seemed as if she was always working on something.  _

Sam picked up his metal pack from where he laid it on one of the tables in the lab. He slipped it on his back and started walking toward the door. Shuri spun around on her chair to face him. “Where are you going?” she asked. 

Sam looked at her. “I’m gonna go check around the area, see if anything catches my eye, maybe he’s close by and just not in yet. Maybe your security systems haven’t picked him up,” Sam replied with a shrug. Shuri looked slightly offended.

“Of course my systems would pick him up, do you know how advanced it is? No one can- hey wait!” Shuri jumped up from her chair as Sam turned on his heel and out the door. 

“At least take this with you, it’s a communication earpiece device. You can tell me if you find anything.” She slid a small black earpiece into his hand, then slid a similar one into her own ear. Sam took his earpiece and did the same with a nod. 

“Thanks,” and with that, Sam turned and left the palace. 

A few minutes later, Sam was once again flying over the astonishing city of Wakanda as the sun was starting to set. He started by searching around the marketplace that was closer to the palace and worked his way outward toward the borders. When he finally got to the edge of the city, he landed near where the woods started. He walked for a while around the border, keeping his ears and eyes open. 

All the while he was searching, Sam had a sinking feeling in his stomach. There was a thought in the back of his mind that was taunting him but he refused to believe it. 

Maybe Bucky became the Winter Soldier again. 

_ But that’s just not possible.  _

Sam didn’t want to believe it, but the thought was still there in the back of his mind, taunting him.  _ No no, he’s just lost. He took a wrong turn, went a scenic route, that's all.  _

After a few more minutes of walking around, he thought he should go back to Shuri and they could reevaluate and make a new plan. 

“Hey, Shuri? Can you hear me?” he asked through the earpiece Shuri gave him. 

_ “Yes, I’m here,”  _ Shuri’s voice crackled in his ear. Sam sighed. 

“I haven’t found anything yet.” Sam glanced around his surroundings, lost in thought. “I’m debating on coming back and we can make a new plan. Maybe we can track him down or something with all your fancy technology and whatnot.” Even though Sam couldn’t see her, Sam imagined Shuri was nodding along. 

_ “Okay yeah, we cou-“  _

“Shhh!” Sam whirled around and activated his wings, but still stayed on the ground. He had heard leaves crunching. Or he thought he did anyway. It was a quiet and light crunching sound. 

_ Like someone was sneaking around.  _

_ “What? What was it? What happened?”  _ Shuri’s voice crackled in his ear again with questions. 

“I . . I don’t know, I thought I heard some leaves crunching. It sounds like someone is here,” He whispered back to Shuri. He started to slowly walk in the direction he thought he heard the sound from. After he took a couple of steps, he heard something behind him and whirled around. 

_ Oh.  _

_ No . . . _

A couple of feet away from him, in the middle of the woods stood a figure dressed completely in black. As he pointed a gun at Sam, his metal arm glistened in the sunlight, and his eyes looked blank and empty.


	4. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and The Winter Soldier fight it out in the woods.

Bucky had tried all he could to gain back control over the Winter Soldier. After he figured out where they were going and what he was supposed to do, he used all that as a drive to keep fighting. 

He tried to at least somewhat take enough control to slow them down and he had been slightly successful in some attempts, but it just made him so mentally  _ tired  _ and drained that he couldn’t do it very long or often. 

_ I just hope we take long enough that Sam will know that something’s up.  _

  
  


Bucky’s corner was shrinking. Fast. He needed a way out to regain control.  _ Before he could hurt anyone else. _ Bucky was jerked from his thoughts as he felt himself kneel down behind a tree. He peeked around the tree to see a fairly tall figure with a red and gray pack on his back a couple yards away. 

Bucky held back a gasp. 

_ Sam.  _

If Bucky knew anything about the Winter Soldier, it was that he wouldn’t stop until his mission was completed, even if it meant dying trying. Unfortunately in this case, his mission was to end the life of one of his only few friends. 

_ I can’t let that happen.  _

_ Whatever it takes.  _

Just as he finished that thought, he felt himself on the move again. He noticed Sam had walked a bit further down the edge of the line of trees, so the Winter Soldier followed, lurking in the shadows. Bucky could make out that Sam was talking to someone, but he wasn’t sure who _.  _ There wasn’t anyone else there, at least from what Bucky could see. 

Bucky felt his hand move to the side of his belt, where his gun was sitting in the holster. 

Bucky wanted to scream; his corner was barely a peep hole now. He was scared,  _ no _ , he was beyond scared: 

He was  _ petrified _ , for if he lost now he might never come back. His greatest fears and nightmares were coming true before his eyes. 

He was once again a killing machine with no way out of it as the Winter Soldier, and he was also on a mission to kill one of his last friends, and he wasn’t even sure why. 

  
  


The Winter Soldier swiftly jumped out from his place behind the trees and bushes, cocked his gun and pointed it directly at Sam. 

Along with that swift action, Bucky was knocked out of his peephole of a corner and was no longer a part of his own mind. 

  
  
  


~¥~

  
  


Sam felt his breath caught in his throat. All his thoughts, hopes and fears shattered and his world stopped as he stared into the eyes of his friend. Only,  _ it wasn’t his friend.  _

He certainly looked like Bucky, but his eyes were. . .off. 

The once lively grey-blue eyes that were filled with a spark were now harsh, blank, and empty. It looked as if the calm, protective, caring Bucky Barnes had been taken out and the harsh and murdurous Winter Soldier had been stuffed in. Sam knew this wasn’t the man he’d come to know the past few years. 

No. This was worse. 

This was the killing machine, the murderous assassin, the one who never rested til his mission was complete. 

No, this was not Sam’s friend. 

This was the Winter Soldier. 

Sam was jerked out of his thoughts as gunshots rang out in front of him. He heard the bullets hit metal and quickly glanced at his wings that now have holes and dents in them. 

_ Dang it, no flying out of this one.  _

He heard another gunshot and felt a searing pain across his left arm. He let out a yelp of pain as it started to bleed, then quickly focused back on the situation.

  
  


_ “Sam? Sam, are you alright?”  _ Sam heard Shuri’s voice in his ear once more. 

  
  


Before he could answer, he shrugged off his pack and threw it to the side as he ran toward the Winter Soldier, and the two collided. The Winter Soldier dropped his gun as he tried to throw a punch at Sam. Sam threw his hand up and blocked it, then quickly countered it by punching the Winter Soldier in the gut. 

He doubled over and coughed, giving Sam the upper hand he needed. Sam swept his leg under the Winter Soldier, causing him to fall on his back. Before Sam could pin him down, the Winter Soldier swiftly grabbed the gun that was lying on the ground next to his head, pointed it back at Sam, and pulled the trigger. Sam yelled out in pain and blood started to seep out of his shoulder. 

Before Sam could react anymore, he was punched in the gut and slammed to the ground with the Winter Soldier on top of him. Sam gasped in pain. His earpiece had jolted out of his ear when he got slammed over and landed a couple of feet away. He could faintly hear Shuri’s voice coming from it but couldn’t quite make out what she was saying.

Sam tried to throw the Winter Soldier off, but the assassin was too strong. Besides, Sam was already beginning to weaken from loss of blood. He had lost his advantage; now, he was losing his strength. Sam knew in the back of his mind that this was a losing battle. 

Sam tried to gather his strength, but before he could throw a punch, the Winter Soldier slammed his fist into Sam’s face. Sam was pretty sure his nose was broken now. He felt a warm liquid seep down his mouth and chin. The Winter Soldier executed another punch, and there was a red liquid lining his black glove when he brought his hand back up in Sam’s view. 

_ Yep, definitely bleeding now. _

Sam could hardly breathe and everything  _ hurt.  _ The Winter Soldier was sitting on top of his chest, making it hard to get a good breath in. 

Sam felt another blow across his face. His vision was starting to become blurry and splotched with black dots. He felt weak and  _ tired.  _

Man, he was tired. He just wanted to close his eyes and let the blackness take him, to drift away and not have to feel anymore pain. He felt the Winter Soldier’s fist make contact with his face again. Sam’s eyes focused back on the Winter Soldier’s empty eyes.

That reminded him that couldn’t just give up on Bucky. 

_ He needs me.  _

He mustered up the last of his strength and caught the Winter Soldier’s punch. If he wasn’t so tired and  _ exhausted,  _ Sam would’ve been pretty impressed with himself. 

The Winter Soldier's eyes widened and focused on Sam, who choked in a breath. 

“Barnes…. I hate you…” And with that, Sam’s hand dropped and his eyes fluttered closed. 

~¥~

Bucky froze. 

He heard his name and he was back in his mind. He heard Sam’s voice and his peephole grew back into a corner and his corner grew back into his full control. He didn’t know how that worked, but he was grateful to be back. 

Bucky looked at the scene that was laid out in front of him. He was holding his fist above Sam’s face that was covered in blood, not to mention Bucky was literally sitting on top of him, probably crushing his rib cage. Bucky jumped back, and Sam unconsciously took a deep breath.

How did he get here? Did he do that to Sam? How long was he out? 

Bucky glanced around the area and then all the memories from before flooded back to him, much to his horror. The agent from the woods, the Winter Soldier, the walking, the fighting, and the  _ exhaustion. _

  
  
  


And he remembered the mission. 

  
  
  


He focused back on Sam and he felt his world shatter, and the panic set in.

“No… no, no, NO!” Bucky raced back over to Sam and tried to feel for a pulse. He had limited success due to the increasing shakiness in his hands. “No… no, Sam!” Bucky gently shook Sam, being careful of any wounds. Bucky saw the blood from his shoulder and on his arm, not to mention the blood that was painted over Sam’s face. 

  
  


That made Bucky’s heart race; he knew that was obviously not a good sign. Bucky’s thoughts were running at a million miles a minute, and it was making him dizzy. 

“No, no, Sam, wake up!” 

_ No, no, I did this.  _

“I let this happen! Again! NO!” Bucky felt broken once again. He fell down on his knees beside Sam and buried his head in his hands, his eyes filled with tears. He couldn’t bear to look at his friend,  _ at what he did to his friend.  _

Bucky felt a burning hole in his chest and choked out a sob. He felt so many emotions, he didn’t know how to process them or where to start . 

He felt empty. Like someone had ripped his heart out and ran it over with a truck then stuffed it back in his chest, barely beating. 

He felt broken. 

Like he could never be fixed and he would always be just  _ some killing machine. _

Maybe that’s all he was. Just some person to be used. Just some person to be controlled for all the wrong things. Just someone to kill, hurt, and harm. 

_ Not anymore.  _

The thought came from somewhere deep inside him. Bucky lifted up his head, and his gaze slowly drifted to the pistol that was sitting on the other side of Sam.

_ I won’t hurt anyone else. Not anymore.  _

Bucky slowly reached over Sam’s limp body and let his hand grip the metal. He gently picked it up and sat it in front of him. He glanced at Sam once more, and he remembered all the times he had with Sam. 

The time they had a fight with a spider at the airport, the time they got on that elevator in DC and Sam started humming so  _ annoyingly,  _ the time they watched that movie about people in space in a galaxy far, far away, and Sam would just  _ not shut up,  _ all the times that Sam was  _ so  _ positive and spunky and made Bucky laugh, and all the times Sam was just there for him. Gosh, they really did hate each and get on each other’s nerves, but boy, did they have a connection. And now he had ruined it all.

  
  


_ That will be my last mistake.  _

  
  


“I’m sorry, Sam….”

Bucky slowly and gently raised the pistol up to his chin. He closed his tear-filled eyes and took one last breath. He laid his finger on the trigger, but before he could pull it, he felt a hand gently rest on his arm. 

“It’s...not your fault...Bucky,” Bucky heard a raspy and weak voice, but steady and firm. 

He opened his eyes to see Sam’s hand resting on his arm. His gaze drifted over Sam’s body, first over his chest that was gently rising and falling, then up to his face that was smeared with blood and bruises. Sam’s eyes were only half opened but they were completely focused on Bucky. 

“Sam…” Bucky barely uttered a whisper, he felt a tear slip down his cheek and splashed to the ground in a pool of Sam’s blood. 

“Buck, put the gun down.” Bucky could tell Sam was using all the strength he could find just to speak. 

To him. 

To Bucky. 

To the one who tried to kill him. 

Somewhere inside him, it felt wrong to Bucky. 

“No. No, Sam I tried to kill you.” Bucky let the tears fall freely now. “That’s not okay, I’m not going to let myself be used anymore.” He readjusted his grip on the pistol. Sam moved his hand over Bucky’s before he could move any further.

“No, Bucky. That wasn’t you, we can help you,” Sam tried to give a smile but he seemed too weak to do so properly.

With a flash of emotions he still didn't understand, Bucky jumped to his feet. 

“How?! How can you fix something so broken?! “ Bucky felt it hard to breathe, a feeling that was all too familiar at this point. “I can’t keep doing this, Sam! Don’t you see? It’s all a cycle! I get better, Hydra gets me back, then  _ if I’m lucky,  _ I break free, but that pain doesn’t stop, Sam. No. When I come to, everyone I know is either dead or really hurt or a combination. And I’m not going to hurt anyone anymore. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore,” Bucky looked at Sam in the eye. 

~¥~

Sam held Bucky’s gaze for a minute, studying him. His eyes the past few months with Sam had been so lively and hopeful. They always held a spark of hope and a spirit of never giving up, so whenever Sam needed that, he could look at Bucky and it would be there. 

But now as Sam looked at him, Bucky looked so  _ broken.  _

_ Why… why did I never know?  _

His eyes were dull, the spark was gone along with the hope that they were once filled with. They were empty and tired. Tired of fighting and losing. Tired of fighting the same battle over and  _ over.  _ And when Bucky spoke, his voice was void of any hope and any fight left in him. 

“I can’t, Sam. I can’t.” Bucky broke eye contact and his teary gaze drifted to the earpiece on the ground. 

“I can’t keep fighting the battle that my own body wages on me,” Bucky rolled up his sleeve as his tears fell to the ground. 

Sam’s eyes widened. 

_ No…  _

Bucky’s arm was covered in scars. All those nights that Sam heard Bucky having panic attacks or nightmares, and Sam couldn’t do anything but listen from the other room, all those nights Bucky spent  _ looking for hope  _ were written on his arm, and all along Sam never knew, and that made his heart  _ ache.  _ And if Sam wasn’t so tired, he would’ve told Bucky off right then and there. 

Bucky gave a teary look at Sam, and as he spoke, his voice was void of life. 

  
  


“Now you see me. Broken, torn apart, piece by piece, day by day, only to be put back together in all the wrong ways.” Bucky took a couple steps toward the earpiece that was on the ground, the pistol still in his hand. “But I’m not going to do this anymore. Sam, I can’t. I don’t want to be broken anymore.” Bucky stooped down and picked up the earpiece and placed it in his ear. 

~¥~

“Hello?” Bucky spoke to the com link.

_ “Hello? White Wolf? Is that you? Are you alright? Where’s Sam?”  _ Bucky heard Shuri’s voice crackle through his head, and he took a deep breath. “Hey, kid, yeah it’s me. Listen, I’m at the northern side of the border, and Sam is badly injured. I need you to send someone to come get him.” There was a pause on the other end. 

_ “Okay, my professionals are on the way.”  _ Shuri replied. 

“Perfect, thanks kid,” Then after a pause, Bucky spoke in a softer tone, “I’m gonna miss you.” 

A few short and sweet memories of Shuri played in Bucky’s head.

Those times that she would play Monopoly, checkers, and scrabble with him, the times she would tease him about being over a hundred years old and would ask him what it was like to live among the dinosaurs, and the evenings they would spend watching movies together with T’Challa and Sam, trying to explain this new pop culture stuff to him.

She was always so cheerful and cool, she always knew how to get Bucky in a better mood when he was feeling down. Sometimes she would let him hang out in the lab and show him all the projects she’s been working on, her soft brown eyes always held a spark when she was explaining her technology to him. Shuri had always stuck by him when he was recovering, and she had felt like a little sister to him at times, but he had also always felt a bit like a burden to her. 

_ “Wait, what? Whit-”  _ Bucky slammed the earpiece back on the ground before he could hear anything else. He glanced back at Sam once more as a single tear dripped down his face, then repositioned the pistol under his chin and placed his finger on the trigger. 

“Bye, Sam.” Bucky obviously tried to smile tearfully, but his heart, or what he had left of it, obviously wasn’t in it anymore.

~¥~

“BUCKY NO!!” Sam shot up despite the searing pain throughout his body. He didn’t care, he just wanted to help his friend in any way he could. 

But the gunshot never came. 

Sam saw something black and tall swipe through the air, knocking Bucky on the ground and the pistol out of reach. 

And that’s the last Sam remembered before his vision completely blacked out. 


	5. Rest Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam wakes up in Wakanda after his fight with The Winter Soldier

Sam heard voices around him, and it felt like he was lying in a very comfortable bed. He heard a steady  _ beep, beep, beep,  _ of what sounded like a hospital monitor. He tried to shift himself, but pain shot up his arm and chest. His body was aching, his shoulder hurt, and his head was pounding. 

Why did he hurt so bad? His whole body was sore. 

Then it hit him, and it all came flooding back.

_ Bucky.  _

“Bucky…” Sam whispered as he tried to flutter his eyes open. His eyelids were just so  _ heavy _ , it was hard. 

He opened his eyes, and at first he just saw light. Very bright light. After a second or two, his eyes adjusted and he started to focus on the room around him. 

He was indeed in a bed, some sort of fancy hospital bed, in a hospital room. The walls were a dark gray color, with some purple lines pulsing through them and the floors were made of white marble. There was a door to his right, and a sleek black chair to his left, and around him various hospital equipment. Other than that, the room was kind of plain. According to the decor and style, Sam decided he was still in Wakanda. 

After Sam evaluated his surroundings, he looked to his left and focused on the two figures that were observing him. 

T’Challa was sitting in the chair beside him, resting his chin on his fist. Shuri was pacing the floor behind him, messing with some hologram being projected by her bead bracelet thing. Sam never knew what it was called, but it was a still pretty neat device. 

“T’Challa?” Sam blinked at the man in the chair. Man, he looked tired. Has he been up all night? Or day? Or however long Sam had been there in that room? 

T’Challa shot up in his chair and met Sam’s eyes, while Shuri stopped walking and silently watched as her hologram vanished.

“Hey-“ T’Challa’s calming voice hit Sam’s ears, but before he could get another word out, Sam shot up in bed ignoring the pain in his shoulder and head. 

“Bucky! Where’s Bucky? Is he okay?” Sam’s face became painted with worry as he mentally relived the events of….well, whenever it was. 

"He's alright, Mr. Wilson," Shuri took a step towards Sam. “My team of medical professionals is with him as we speak.” Sam noticed her eyes were sad and bloodshot, but she managed to put on a smile as she talked to him. 

“So he didn’t… he didn’t…” Sam couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. 

T’Challa shook his head. 

“Luckily, Shuri heard everything through her communication device and called for me to see what was going on, as I was on my way back home anyway. I stumbled across Barnes before he could pull the trigger and I pounced on him, knocking him out in the process before he could do any further damage to himself or someone else,” T’Challa explained calmly. Sam nodded and sighed a breath of relief. 

“Okay, okay,” Sam nodded to himself, seemingly trying to shake his worries away. “So how long have we been stuck in here?” Sam gestured to the room. 

“Two days,” Shuri replied, bringing her hologram mechanism back on. 

“Two days? Oh no, that’s too long, I gotta get going, I can’t just sit around and-" Sam started to get off the bed but T’Challa put a steady hand on Sam’s chest. 

“No, you need to be right here, my friend; resting,” He replied in the same steadiness as his hand. 

“But I need to see Barnes at the very least,” Sam replied, gently pushing T’Challa’s hand down. “I need to  _ see  _ that he’s alright.” 

“I assure you, Sam, he’s alright. Shuri is keeping him under until you’ll be able to help talk to him. But you’ll be no help to him if you don’t get better yourself.” T’Challa stood up. “Perhaps tomorrow you can see him, but for now, get some rest,” He said as he walked out of the room with Shuri right at his heels. 

Sam realized that he did still feel exhausted and decided that maybe he could rest a little bit more before seeing Bucky. After all, the two siblings had assured him that he was okay and in great care. 

Yeah, he would just rest a little longer, then he would see Bucky first thing. 


	6. Just Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam- oh, nO SPOILERS :) 
> 
> But I’ll warn you, this one’ll probably hurt :’)

Bucky had a feeling something was wrong.

He was scared. 

Petrified. 

He could hear Sam, Shuri, and T’Challa’s voices quietly around him. Or at least he thought it was them, his mind was still foggy so he didn’t want to trust himself just yet. But wait, if he could hear did that mean he was still alive? You had to be alive to hear things right? 

_ No no no no.  _

Bucky could feel his heart start racing and his chest tightened up, making it hard to breathe. He tried to move his arms but they were being held down by something made of metal. 

_ Oh no.  _

And then his mind dragged him back to Hydra’s base because this feeling was all too familiar. This feeling of being trapped, confined, and  _ empty.  _ He was there again, being controlled by them once more.

All he knew was that he had to  _ get out.  _

He struggled to get up, being half asleep and groggy, but the feeling of dread and fear that he would become the Winter Soldier again drove him. He had to get out. 

But his confinement wouldn’t let him get up. Wherever he was, someone wanted him to stay right there. 

_ No, no, no. _

He tried to pull his arms out and get up once more, using everything he had in him. 

“Agghhhhh! NOOO-'' No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t break his bonds. He sagged back wearily, gathering his strength to attempt to break free again.Before he could try again, he felt a gentle hand resting on his chest, pressing him back to his chair, making him feel grounded and giving him an unfamiliar safe feeling. Then he heard a calm and steady voice he knew very well. 

“Hey buddy.” Bucky slowly fluttered his eyes open to see Sam sitting in a chair to his right. Sam’s eyes looked sad and concerned as he watched Bucky try to control his breathing, a feat that was easier said than done. 

_ Man, he looks beat up. _

Sam had a black eye on his face, along with various bruises, while his left shoulder and right arm were covered in bandages. 

Bucky took in a shaky breath and glanced around the room he was in. It was definitely not a Hydra facility, which gave Bucky some relief, but not enough to calm himself down. He felt like he was having another panic attack, so he did something he knew usually helped him, and that was observing his surroundings. 

The walls were a dark gray color with streaks of purple pulsing through them, and the floors were made of white marble. T’Challa and Shuri were standing in the doorway to Bucky’s right, their faces painted with worry. Bucky was sitting in a gray padded chair with metal restraints around his wrists. He figured it was so he couldn’t hurt anyone accidentally -- they probably didn’t trust him enough right now. After Bucky evaluated his surroundings, and got his breathing somewhat under control, he took another shaky breath and focused back on Sam, whose hand still rested firmly against his chest. 

“Where….where are we?” Bucky asked just above a whisper, nervously but gently struggling with the restraints. 

_ Most likely so I don’t hurt anyone, they probably don’t trust me and I don’t blame them. _

“We’re still in Wakanda, Bucky. We’re in the royal family’s med bay,” Sam said gently. Bucky let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. 

_ Wakanda is good.  _

Bucky nodded and looked at the floor as Sam slowly took his hand away. Then he glanced back at Sam and asked a question he was dreading the answer to. 

“Why…. _ why _ am I here?” Bucky glanced at the restraints and awaited an answer. 

Sam glanced behind him at T’Challa and Shuri, who both had a look of something between confusion and worry, then he focused back on Bucky. 

“Do you….” Sam focused on Bucky’s eyes and held eye contact. “Do you remember anything?” 

Bucky cocked his head and looked confused, obviously trying to recall what he could.

“I mean, I remember we were on a mission together in the woods, and then you went off to get that one agent, and then-” Bucky looked away and tensed up, “There was an agent who recited those  _ stupid  _ words… and everything after that is kinda… foggy.” 

Sam nodded and glanced back to T’Challa and Shuri to make sure they were hearing the same thing. They nodded in response, and Sam turned back to Bucky,sighing painfully. 

“You um, you did….you did this…” Sam said slowly, gesturing to his injuries. Sam continued talking gently, but Bucky was working up into another panic. “And then… you tried to shoot your brains out,”

The memories were flooding back to him, and it hurt. He remembered the walking, the mental fighting, the physical fighting, the mission, the exhaustion, and feeling so  _ helpless  _ through all of it 

_ “ _ No no no no no.” 

Bucky once again couldn’t breathe, his head hurt, and the room was spinning. He could hear Sam’s voice, but he couldn’t focus on what he was saying. He felt another person on his left side put a hand on his shoulder, along with Sam’s hand back on his chest, trying to ground him but this time having limited success.

Bucky felt a million emotions sweep over him. He felt nothing and everything all at once. He felt empty, like there was a big black hole inside his chest threatening to swallow him whole; he felt helpless, like there was nothing he could do to fix himself or anything that he’d done; he felt regret and despair that he was  _ hurting his friend _ : and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Everything hurt, and Bucky just decided to let it. Maybe if he let the black hole swallow him up he would disappear and wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore.

He let the tears he was fighting back fall freely now, and they turned quickly into choking sobs. 

“No no no!” 

His mind was racing back and forth between everything he’s done while being the Winter Soldier, from when he was in the army, all the people, all the  _ innocent people  _ he’d hurt, and everything in between. He felt like he wasn’t even in the room anymore, but somewhere far, far away. 

He once again heard voices and people shifting around him, but Bucky felt like he was balancing between being awake and unconscious due to his hyperventilating. 

“-ucky,” Bucky felt someone sit in front of him and gently lift his chin up so he could see them. But Bucky’s eyes wouldn’t focus. A cloud had set in his mind, and it wouldn’t budge. 

“-ucky… you’re -aving…. -nic attack, and…. hyper…..-ing.” Bucky’s focus and perception was coming and going. He didn’t know what was going on, and the feeling of fear laid over him again as his tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed. 

“Bucky… you…..-an’t focus… me….-ust listen,” Bucky heard the person say in front of him. Did they say listen? Yeah Bucky could do that, he could try anyway. He’d try to listen. This person sounded like they knew what they were doing and sounded like they wanted to help him, so he would try to listen the best he can. 

“-ucky, it’s Sam….-ed breathe,” Bucky focused on the voice, it was calm and steady but had an authoritative tone behind it. It sure did sound like Sam at least.

“Listen, -ucky…. happened….me….not your fault,” Bucky heard Sam say. Bucky’s mind was going a million miles a minute. Something happened to Sam? What happened to him? What wasn’t his fault? 

Bucky’s eyes focused just enough for a second that he could see Sam’s black eye and bruised face close in front of him. Oh yeah. That happened. But didn’t Bucky do that? Sam’s calm voice broke through his thoughts once more.

“-ot your fault, -ucky…-ides, I’m okay, I’ll be fine.” Sam gently lifted Bucky’s chin up again so he could try to focus on him. 

“-ucky… need to breath,” 

Wasn’t he breathing? Wasn’t the problem that he was breathing too much? Bucky realized his chest was burning for air and took a deep breath. Sam clenched his fingers around Bucky’s chin, and Bucky’s eyes obeyed him and focused on Sam. 

“-ucky, breathe, look at me.” Bucky focused on Sam and copied Sam’s steady breathing. While Bucky focused on breathing, Sam continued talking. 

“Listen, it was -ot your fault,” Sam said calmly and slowly so Bucky could catch every word, “-kay? It was those stupid hydra people who puts those things in your head and make you do crazy, stupid things. That wasn’t you. It wasn’t your fault.” Sam put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. 

Bucky felt like he was finally coming back to earth. The room had slowly stopped spinning as he focused on Sam’s words and calming voice. 

_ Not your fault.  _

“Bucky, I didn’t know…. I didn’t know it was this bad for you. I thought you were getting better... You walk around like everything’s fine, why….why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad? Bucky, this,” Sam gestured around the room then placed his hand on Bucky’s non-metal arm that was covered in scars. “This is not okay.” 

Bucky could barely see through his tears but he made out Sam’s soft brown eyes staring back at him with a concerning look. 

“And what you tried to do back in the woods? That’s definitely way off, very far from okay,” Sam sighed, “Bucky, we could’ve helped you. Me, Shuri, T’Challa. We’re all here for you, but…. you have to tell me what’s going on….what’s been going on,” Sam quietly said as he threw a pained glance at Bucky’s arm again. Bucky took a deep breath. 

“Sam….” Bucky met his eyes and spoke slowly. “I…..I’m really sorry… I….I really didn’t mean for it to spiral as bad as it did… but… I...I couldn’t just ask you to stop your life for me… I…. I deserve it, I deserve the pain for everything I’ve done,” 

Sam looked hurt, and he slowly shook his head in disbelief. “No….no Bucky, you don’t, this wasn’t any of your fault. If it was anyone’s fault, it was the Hydra agents, that’s why we have to take them out, so they don’t do this to anyone else,” Sam sighed. “Bucky, I wanna help you, I really truly do, but you have to let me in. I can’t read your mind.” 

  
  


Bucky looked at him through his bloodshot eyes and sighed.

_ Maybe I can tell him. Maybe he’ll listen. After all, I’m not getting out of here without anyone knowing anything anyway.  _

“I’m up against a wall, Sam… I… I try to move forward but I… I can’t. I feel… stuck… and hopeless… and… broken. I wake up everyday thinking maybe today will be different….but it never is. I take on everyday thinking it’ll be different, but then the night comes….. and I fall… and I break… and I somehow find the strength to fake everybody out the next day.” Bucky took another deep breath before he continued, thinking over his words carefully. “I’m just…..I’m just a prisoner in a cell… trying anything…  _ anything, _ just to feel free.” He glanced down at his arm with scars, and he saw that Sam understood. Bucky’s gaze drifted back up to Sam to see that his soft brown eyes were now swelled up with tears as well. 

“I want to be fixed Sam, I….I don’t want to be broken anymore, but I just… I…. I really don’t see how you can fix this broken mess that I am… “ Bucky looked away from Sam. 

“Bucky… we’ll help you, we got plenty of strong Wakandan glue and tape to put your pieces back together,” Sam joked, receiving a small chuckle from Bucky. 

“You really mean that?” Bucky looked back at Sam, his eyes still tired and empty, but slowly the spark of hope that used to live there faintly started to glow again. “I mean, you’ll help me?” 

“Bro, yes, of course, I’ll be with you every step of the way, and when you’re having a rough day, just tell me and I’ll whip out some of my signature charm and witty jokes,” Sam smirked, and Bucky laughed again and gave a small grin. 

Sam’s expression turned serious again as he pressed a button on the side of Bucky’s chair and his bonded wrists were released. Bucky looked surprised, and Sam seemed to understand. 

“I’m not afraid of you, I know you. You’re my friend, Bucky. And I know you won’t hurt me, at least not on purpose, I hope,” Sam smirked at his joke. He dropped his expression and placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “I will help you, every step of the way."

He paused, then added, 

"Til the end of the line,” 

Bucky felt a swelt of emotions sweep over him, and all he could do was wrap his arms around Sam. 

Sam held him tight while a very broken Bucky cried on his shoulder. 

“It’s okay, Bucky,” Sam whispered in his ear, “We’ll help you, we’re here for you, I’ll be right by your side Bucky, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll help you feel whole again… and.. you’ll… you’ll be okay, you’ll be alright.” 

Sam kept whispering in Bucky’s ear sweet calming phrases in his calm, steady, soothing voice.

  
And for the first time in a long,  _ long  _ time, Bucky started to believe them. 


End file.
